Excerpts from this Portia and Ellen interview on Oprah.

Excerpts from Dan on living up to the lie.

A shortened version of this excerpt from Goodridge vs. the Department of Public Health:

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations....

Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance." It is central to the way the Commonwealth identifies individuals, provides for the orderly distribution of property, ensures that children and adults are cared for and supported whenever possible from private rather than public funds, and tracks important epidemiological and demographic data....

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family.... Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition....

It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a "civil right."


For me and for Kevin, getting married means many things... financial security, legal recognition of our relationship, the confirmation of our commitment in front of friends and family, a formal promise to help each other grow and become better people, an excuse to have a big ol' party, etc.

Things our decision to get married had dick-all to do with: God, ownership of one-another, traditional gender roles, having children "within wedlock", setting a "moral example" for children, heterosexual privilege. Basically, that "traditional marriage" that the anti-equality folks fondly refer to? Not remotely the same thing, and I want to make damn sure that our ceremony reflects the difference.

Dan Savage on long-term relationships: the "price of admission" and "living up to the lie".

seagull, thank you for the link. Kevin and I almost cried too.

Hello, world!

October 2009 is almost over, thank god. This has been a long month.

Our loss of Molly has lain heavily on our minds, though we don't talk about her much. It's easier to be in the new home than the old, where, when cleaning, we expect to see her walking into the room at any given moment.

Moving over the strech of the month was Kevin's idea. Smart, of course; we're neatly settled, at least into the main rooms we live in. (The "media room" full of boxes is another story.) However, we've effectively had no weekends for a month, and it's taken it's toll. We're snappish and tire easily. We haven't fought this much in a long time. I don't like it when the two of us fight; it's not in our natures. I, myself, have been downright nasty at times.

Thank god, I got a vacation: A truly nasty cold that got me sent home from the office for the past two days. As we have no internet until Thursday, I sat by the fireplace and read two enormous Tad Williams books. I organized some stuff and put some other stuff away.

( Ramblings about depression and my particular triggers )

Nothing I'm up to dealing with at the moment; just something to think about.

In other news, I'm doing much better now. We even went out to a movie last night... Paranormal Activity! Which is so worth the money to see in the theatres. Brrr. Bed became a whole lot less safe.

About a month ago, Molly stopped eating and drinking. When we took her to the vet, we discovered she'd lost about a quarter of her body weight since her last visit one month previous.

Thus began a long saga of vet visits, food taste testing, force feeding, appetite stimulant pills, injections of fluids under the skin, seizures, and general sadness. She gained weight, she lost weight. She had good days, she had bad days. Her mobility rapidly declined... she stumbled when walking, and eventually had to be helped on and off the bed.

Last Tuesday, we took her in for x-rays, which revealed a number of tumors and growths... most notably one in her throat which was making it difficult for her to swallow and breathe.

The vets wanted to do biopsies and more tests, to see if it actually was cancer, but we'd run out of money. Plus, we didn't want Molly to undergo anymore nasty vet visits. What purpose would they serve? She couldn't eat and it was an effort for her to breathe. The decision was hard, because she still showed interest in sunbeams and looking out the front window at birds, but my god... the pain could only get worse.

So we called around for vets who did house calls. A nurse and doctor came by yesterday morning and put her down.

We love you, Molly, our wee beastie, our tiny tiger, our muffin-muffin, our furry little monster, our pretty little girl.

I'm so, so sorry, tiny kitten.

... the townhouse by the park is OURS.

\o/

\o/

\o/

\o/

So, what happens next? Um... change the locks, take down the 80s wallpaper, make the fixes the inspector told us to, join the strata, make friends with the neighbors... oh. And also MOVE. We've got a month, luckily.

Ooh. My new favourite queer wedding photos: here.

Buzz cut + gunmetal gray satin gown = WIN. The venue is breathtaking. The decor (centrepieces, flatware, colour scheme, etc.) is gorgeous beyond words. The crowd is huge and happy.

Brava, Karen and Jacynda. Bra-VA.

ETA: Ooh, and here are their engagement photos! *happysigh*

Dear Ms. Leibovich,

First off, let me just say how much I respect you and everything you've accomplished over the years. I'm sure you and I see eye-to-eye on a great many things.

But I've got to say I strongly disagree with a couple of the statements you made in this 2001 Indiebride interview:


As far as the question of can you be feminist while taking a man's name, I actually think it's kind of moot, because how many people who identify as feminist make that choice? Very, very few.

In this comment thread, whetherwoman and dhaunea reject that idea more eloquently than I ever could.

Most of the maried women I personally know and respect both identify as feminist and have taken their husbands' last names. To wit: whetherwoman, my mother, my aunt, the left-wing mothers of most of my friends... the list goes on. I only know a few married women who have retained their own -- or rather, their fathers' -- last names... and about half of those women are European. (One told me the practice of a woman keeping her last name after marriage is fairly common in Italy... not a particularly feminist country.)


Bouquet-throwing is appalling, embarrassing, and insulting, and there is nothing to redeem it.

Erm... I'm thinking about omitting that particular tradition myself, but I may end up in hot water from my uber-feminist sister. She's caught one bouquet so far in her life and is aiming for more. To her, it's not about wanting to get married (at least not right away)... it's more of a macho feat of athleticism and a "shout-out to the single ladies".

And sure, the white dress has respresented virginity, just as a father walking his daughter down the aisle has represented the transfer of woman-as-property from one man to another. Those are good, conciencous things to think about when planning a wedding... kind of like considering the significance of the Birth of Christ and the pagan Solstice when organizing an agnostic/atheist Christmas get-together.

And in conclusion... I have no conclusion. Suck at conclusions. Just, um, weddings are what you make of them. Ditto re. the institution of marriage itself.


Regards,
Sam

This = AWESOME.

Look at how happy they all look! Well played, Bay Area!

There is NOTHING that occupies my life these days other besides...

HOUSE HUNTING (looking at listings online; talking to the mortgage broker; talking to the realtor; driving around "favourite" locations to test for friendly neighbors and traffic volume; going to open houses; going to private viewings; watching Home and Garden TV a.k.a. the good crack; thinking about houses when I should be wedding planning or working)

WEDDING PLANNING (researching venues online; driving to venues; creating a budget; angsting over the guest list due to severe restrictions in said budget; reading wedding books; haunting Craigslist for used wedding dresses; thinking about wedding plans when I should be house hunting or wedding planning)

WORKING (working; working; working; working; thinking about work when I should be house hunting or wedding planning)


There is no more just-for-fun shopping. There is no more socializing. There is no more cooking. There are no more romantic evenings. There is no more movie watching. There is no more sleeping.

There are only HOUSES, WEDDINGS and WORK.


o_O


P.S. If you have the option to look for housing at a DIFFERENT time as planning your wedding? Preferably with YEARS between said events? You will be much more sane.

Back in Vancouver. Still on vacation until next Tuesday.

Over the past week and a half, the following awesome things happened:

Kevin and I attended jazkharma's and whetherwoman's amazing wedding.

Kevin and I went to Comic-Con in San Diego.

Kevin and I got engaged on my aunt and uncle's back porch. (Him, on one knee: "Will you marry me?" Me: "YESYESYESILOVEYOUYESYESOFCOURSEIWILLYES!!!" *bounce* *hug* *squeal*)

Kevin and I got home to find a) our lawn still green and b) our cat happy and alive. Hurrah for housesitters!

Dear World,



Please stop telling women what we should and should not be doing with our bodies.

I mean, on the Right we have religious institutions and the "moral majority", telling women to keep our legs shut, cover those dirty titties, stay inside, and -- if we should get knocked up -- drop all sense of personal identity in deference to our God-given role as baby incubators. And God help us if we should try to control those baby incubator functions.

But then there's our so-called allies on the the Left...

The radical feminists who view sex with men as a bowing to the patriarchy.

The lactivists who shame women who choose not to, or simply can't, breast feed.

The governments who call for a ban on religious head coverings.

The anti-prostitution folks who call for a complete ban on prostitution, labeling all sex work as sex slavery, and dismissing the possibility that women could -- and do -- go into sex work of their own free will.*

And this is just our bodies. I haven't even touched on what y'all on the Right and Left say we should be reading, writing, eating, discussing, buying, voting for, doing with our time, doing with our kids... it's all very crazy-making.

Here's what it comes down to for me: Some women like to show skin, some like to cover up; some like to fuck men, some like to fuck women; some like to breast feed, some don't want to; some want to have babies, some want to stay child-free; some -- okay, most -- find prostitution degrading and horrible, and to some it is just another job.

So please, please, please, World: Stop saying "should". Stop assuming one choice -- your choice -- is better than the other.

And please don't mind me as I go back to having extramarital, heteronormative relations with my boyfriend, whose offspring a) I will bear at the time of my own choosing and b) may or may not be breast fed.



Sincerely yours,



Samantha




* Yes, it happens. This was my high school science teacher... the best teacher at Berkeley Independent Study at the time, IMHO.

Warning: This is another post that may make you not want to hang out with me for a while. If so, I will understand.


From back in the day, a Jezebel article on Dan Savage's "heteronormative" views on male and female bisexuality.

Check out the comment thread for a (relatively, for the internet) intelligent discussion of whether or not Dan Savage is a feminist.

For the record, after two years of following his podcast, I'm solidly in the pro-Dan camp. I feel that a lot of his statements tend to get quoted out of context. In fact, he tends to couch his most controversial opinions in loads of qualifiers:

Fat people should exercise more and eat less if they entered their current relationship prior to gaining weight, and if they want to maintain a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a partner who is genuinely not attracted to the new body type.

Open relationships are a panacea for incompatible sex drives if everybody involved is comfortable, respectful and communicative.

Female sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality, which doesn't make one better than the other, and yes, this is a huge generalization and of course genuine male bisexuals exist, just in vastly smaller numbers than genuine female bisexuals.

Vulvas are weird-looking to me, because I am a gay man.

That said: People whose opinions I respect have called Dan rasist, sexist, sizist and a bigot. Lots of people have been angered by the things he's said... particularly his angry, poorly-researched, ill-thought-out blog entry about the black vote following the passage of Prop 8 (for which he later, rightly, apologized).

It is not my intention belittle the people who have been angered, hurt or offended by Dan's statements. I don't think they're being "oversensitive", or that their concerns are unimportant, or that they shouldn't be angry because they misunderstood what Dan "really" meant.

Dan is a flawed, outspoken libertarian who makes big, dumb mistakes. I disagree with some of his advice, albeit infrequently, and I'm pretty sure his point of view on, oh, everything is coloured by his own personal experiences with sexuality and relationships.

But if it came down to it? As one commenter said, I'd choose Dan over Jezebel any day of the week. He's like a family member to me; someone I've grown up with. He makes me laugh, he makes me mad and he makes me think.

More importantly, I strongly feel that his column and podcast have done way more good than harm. His basic philosophies -- respect your own sexual needs; communication, respect and safety are deal-breakers; any wacky sex consenting adults choose to engage in is a-okay -- are inherently feminist. His highly-entertaining delivery of common-sense sex education has been circulated far and wide to teenagers looking in the back of their local free weekly for a cheap thrill.

In conclusion: The latest podcast is downloading as I type. I'm looking forward to it.

This pretty much sums up what I think about the whole Obama/GLBT thing:

"The fact is, the man has important things to do. He's the president. That's his job. Gay rights, while a priority, is not THE priority. If the economy hadn't fallen off a cliff and the Bush hadn't burnt as many bridges, maybe the issue would be more at the forefront. Additionally, the man is limited by law. He can't unilaterally repeal don't ask don't tell. The legislation has to be superseded by other legislation from Congress. He can't unilaterally give same-sex partners of federal employees certain benefits because it runs afoul of DOMA, which again, must be superseded or repealed by Congress. He can't order the Justice Department to submit a brief opposing Prop 8 because it would run afoul of DOMA. Which, like it or not, the Justice Department has to defend because it's the law."


Harsh but true.

If you would like something to be done on the same-sex marriage front, rather than spend your energy complaining about Obama's apparent flip-flop, you might try writing your representatives.

And maybe next year the ball will be in Obama's court.

What I/we should have done today:

Cleaned the bedroom

Folded the laundry

Finished those two arrangements

Finished the first draft of that proposal

What I/we did do today:

Mowed the front lawn

Talked to the landlord

Went to two open houses

Realized just how much money we'd need for a down payment

Ate barbecued salmon at J & S's

What I/we did last night:

Drank beer

Got lucky



\o/

This:

"If you seriously believe that women are so lazy and stupid as a group that a majority of late-term abortions are done not out of medical necessity but because women just routinely and casually decide they don't want to carry a healthy fetus anymore in the eighth month ... if you honestly believe that a woman should be forced to carry a dead fetus until her body decides to get rid of it, if it doesn't give her an infection and kill her off too ... if you can stand there and tell me with a straight expression that every birth defect and flaw can be caught before the fetus becomes theoretically viable outside of the womb and women just wait to get rid of those fetuses out of laziness ... if you actually think a woman should have to carry a fetus without a face or a fucking brain for weeks if not months knowing full well it'll die immediately after birth ...

"Get off my friendslist.

"No, seriously, get the fuck away from me.

"And I hope you never have to learn why the right to a late-term abortion is so goddamn important."


Via apocolypsos.

Hello, my darlings...

I remain alive! YES!!! But alas, I am still living a very -- VERY -- insular life at the moment. This means limited internet, limited in-person social life, limited phone calls to people outside my immediate family.

This is -- you guessed it -- all because of work. I'm still doing two jobs at once and trying my damnedest not to work over nine hours a day. (And yes, I feel I am suitably compensated, money-wise. But still.) The time and energy I have left goes straight toward Kevin and my family. It's a work-life balance thing... still haven't gotten the hang of it.

That said! I would like to send a shout out to...

scazon, who finished her MOTHERFUCKING THESIS

paraleipsis, who is absconding to the Lake They Call Michigan

metalic_sonata and nosmokegirl, who I should probably hang with more than once a year (or two) as we DO live in the same city

all those amazing NBTSCers who's lives I follow with joy, envy and fascination

and to you. Yes, you.

And on that note... ta-ta, my lovelies! Until next month, or until we hire an HR Coordinador.

... my wildflowers are sprouting! Today is a good day.</a>

Okay, kids, I'm back. Nice spring weather, innit?

My internet hiatus was part of a larger plan to obtain some life-work balance. My job, while I love it, has a tendency to eat all my attention, even when I'm not technically "at work". My workaholism has been rough on Kevin, and, along with other major factors, landed our relationship in hot water.

We've figured some stuff out. We've prioritized. We've realized how lucky we are to have landed one another in the first place.

We're also working on our own individual issues, which are not inconsiderable.

What I Have Learned:

"Quality time" does not preclude joint television watching and internet perusal.

That said, television and internet time should be severely limited.

Doing housework together is just as much fun as going to the movies.

Massive garden projects are a panacea for troubled relationships.

A clean house is a happy house.

Workaholics make crappy-ass parents, no matter how much bacon they bring home.*

Never underestimate the destructive power of a dogmatic religious upbringing.**

And finally: To assume makes an ASS out of U and out of ME!

The end. Happy to be back.


* Behaviour observed in people dear to our hearts.
** See above.

Hello all,

For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I will not be spending much time on the internet for the next three months. To this end, I may need to downsize my friendslist a bit. If I "defriend" you, please understand that it's not personal; I will most likely "friend" you again after the internet hiatus is over.

Thank you,

The Management

cross-posted to my fannish journal